[理知논술]영어 논술 클리닉

■논제

Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.

(당신에게 중요한 개인적, 지역적, 국가적, 세계적 문제에 대해 쓰고, 그 문제들이 왜 중요한지 이유를 서술하세요.)

■학생글 - 공지은 서울 오주중학교 3학년

I feel (1)lucky to call my aunt my best friend despite the difference in our ages. Even though she is an unmarried fifty-year-old psychology professor in Korea, and I am a sixteen-year-old high school student in the U.S. I can trust her with my worries and important secrets more easily than I can others my own age.

Our friendship began to grow when I decided to study in the United States. When I first told my family about (2)the decision, my aunt was the only one who questioned repeatedly about my motives. (3)Even though I felt little angry and annoyed byher questions, I thought about why I really wanted to study abroad. After talking with her about my goals, I (4)found that I was interested in challenging myself in a different environment. I also wanted to experience friendships with people from different cultures (5)as well as acquire the training and skills I would need to become an effective leader (6)with in my family′s medical company someday. Now, I am thankful to my aunt for her deep consideration and friendly advice, which strengthened my conviction that I would keep my identity even in an unfamiliar place.

This past spring my aunt′s friendship and wisdom once again helped me (7)to make a difficult decision. Constant fighting between my parents (8)caused me to become absent-minded and (9)to fall behind in my studies. I felt I had to keep calling each of my parents to encourage them to mend their relationship. Worried and exhausted, I decided to talk to my aunt. She listened intently, asked me some questions, and seemed to know exactly how I felt. After considering her advice, I concluded that even though making peace between my parents might seem to be the duty of a daughter, allowing them to reconcile themselves and concentrating on my studies was my primary duty as the eldest daughter. As I applied her advice to my life, (10)I could devote myself again to my schoolwork (11)and fall asleep faster. Although I failed to achieve my GPA goal for that semester, I was consoled by my aunt′s advice and by the closeness of our relationship.

Today, we usually talk about my (12)goal in my college. I told her that I want to share all of my achievements, including my (13)accumulated experience of interacting with people while living in (14)the culturally diverse dormitory and (15)my intellectual ability (16)that I have earned through the rigorous courses, (17)with friends in my college. My aunt′s ability to listen carefully to all of my concerns and to understand my feelings is (18)one that I also hope to develop as I mature.

Despite the difference in our ages, my aunt and I (19)found out that we have a great deal in common (20)and share deep respect for each other. I respect my aunt′s (21)continuous love and care, and she (22)lauds me for my achievements and independence in making decisions. The (23)number of secrets and concerns that I share with her (24)increases every day.

■첨삭글

#	Content
1	lucky 삭제
2	the 삭제
3	Even thought I felt little -> Though I felt little
4	found -> realized
5	as well as 삭제
6	with 삭제
7	to 삭제
8	cause me to become absent-minded and 삭제
9	to fall 삭제
10	I could devote myself again -> I found I could sleep better and
11	and fall asleep faster 삭제
12	goal in my -> goals in
13	accumulated experience of -> experience
14	the 삭제하고 a 삽입
15	my 삭제하고 the 삽입
16	that I have earned -> I have gained
17	with friends in my college. 삭제.
18	one that 삭제하고 an ability 삽입
19	found out -> discovered
20	and share deep -> and we share a deep
21	continuous -> continual
22	lauds -> praises
23	number of 삭제
24	increases -> increase

■총평 - 주제 벗어난 글은 아무리 잘써도 최저점 받아

General Comments(총평)

Your essay demonstrates a good level of command of written English; in fact, the most frequent mistakes are due to usage problems. I would suggest you review the use of the semi-colon versus the comma and the period. Too, avoid using expressions or vocabulary that are in the realm of colloquial.

Unfortunately, your essay is a perfect example of one of the most common errors capable writers make: an off-topic essay. The essay you sent would have been a good one if written in response to a topic requesting you “discuss a person who is of importance to you.”

All too frequently, I review essays written without the author really taking the time to understand fully what he or she is required to do. This can be a fatal misstep if you are taking the TOEFL or the SAT. Remember, no matter how well written an essay is an off-topic essay will receive the lowest score possible - a zero.

공지은 학생의 에세이는 뛰어난 영어구사능력을 보여줬습니다. 사실 자주 하는 실수도 (문법이 아닌) 용법상의 문제였습니다. 세미콜론과 쉼표를 구분하는 법, 마침표 쓰는 법을 복습해 보세요. 구어체에서 쓰는 표현이나 단어도 피하는 것이 좋습니다.

안타깝게도 공지은 학생의 에세이는 글 잘쓰는 학생이 가장 흔히 범하는 오류를 보여주는 전형적인 예입니다. 바로 주어진 논제를 벗어난 글이지요. 만일 주제가 ‘당신에게 중요한 사람에 대하여 논하시오’였다면 제출하신 글은 좋은 에세이가 되었을 것입니다.

학생들의 에세이를 읽다 보면 종종 학생들이 주제를 정확히 파악하지도 못한 채 글쓰기 과정에 들어간다는 사실을 깨닫게 됩니다. 토플이나 SAT 시험을 치를 학생이라면 이런 과정이 중대한 실수가 될 수 있습니다.

아무리 에세이를 잘 써도 주제에서 벗어난 글이라면 최저점(0점)을 받을 수 있다는 사실을 기억하세요.

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■써서 보내요

We would like to know, in no more than 500 words, what experiences have led you to select your professional field and objective.

(어떤 경험들이 당신의 전공분야와 목표를 선택하는 원인이 되었는지 500단어 이내로 쓰세요.)

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해드립니다.

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