[理知논술/영어 논술 클리닉]중학 영어

■ 지난주 논제

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? “It is better for young children to be raised in dual-parent rather than single-parent households.” Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

(다음 문장에 동의하는지, 동의하지 않는지 구체적인 이유와 예를 들어 자신의 주장을 뒷받침하는 글을 300단어 안팎으로 써 주세요. “아이들은 양친 부모 아래서 자라는 편이 편부모 가정에서 자라는 것보다 좋다.”)

■ 학생글

이서희·서울 광양중학교 3학년

I 〈1〉strongly agree 〈2〉that it is better for young children to be raised in households where both parents 〈3〉exist to support them emotionally, 〈4〉educationally and financially. 〈5〉In my opinion, it is natural for young children to grow up with both the mother and the father.

Young children 〈6〉do not have the full capability to accept the 'difference' or 'anomaly' of having a single parent 〈7〉rather than dual-parent in a household. If, for example, there is a school 〈8〉event involving parents and children and all children 〈9〉come with their 'mums and dads' except for one or two children in a class, these children sometimes feel isolated and depressed, which may 〈10〉bring negative effects to their psychological and mental health.〈11〉 It is also found in a number of studies that a child who is raised in dual-parent households have better and more stable life, which continues as he or she grows up to an adult.

〈12〉As well as providing positive environment for the psychological and mental health for children, dual-parent families can also provide higher quality education for their children. Although it is possible for single-parents to devote themselves to their children's education, single-parents still have boundaries in the quality of education they can provide. Education for early childhood does not only mean academic education, but also teaching the children about the different values to consider and possess in later life. Value of love from both a mother and a father is crucial. It is a natural and principal value for all animals and humans to experience.

Dual-parent households 〈13〉may be able to better support their children financially. With both parents work〈14〉ing, and a parent supporting the in the finance of the household, it is more likely 〈15〉that the children would receive 'more things' than the children in single-parent households. If a household is financially stable,〈16〉 it is likely that it will provides 〈17〉the members of the family 〈18〉mental stability, more chances to relax and enjoy their personal time together. Thus, young children in dual-parent households may have more opportunities to have valuable experiences.〈19〉

〈20〉It is needless to say that it is better for young children to stay at home where both a mother and a father exist to provide them emotional, educational and financial benefits and stability. A child who is raised in a dual-parent family is less likely to feel inferior or 'left out', and is much more likely to experience more valuable, or 'double' valuable life than a child raised by a single-parent. 〈21〉

■ 첨삭글

#	Content
1	삭제→believe
2	삭제→it is natural for young children to grow up with both a mother and a father; thus 삽입
3	삭제
4	삭제
5	삭제
6	삭제→mostly suffer 삽입
7	삭제
8	삭제→whenever both parents of other 삽입
9	삭제→attend school events or participate in extracurricular activities. On these occasions, 삽입
10	삭제→provoke 삽입
11	삭제→Sometimes a child may feel he or she is less than children who have two parents. 삽입
12	삭제→Early childhood development demands a positive environment for the child to enjoy good mental health. Dual-parent households provide the child with hopefully positive gender role models in the person of the father and mother. It is from their parents that children learn their different values, and it is the parents who first teach a child about love and affection. A number of studies suggest that a child who is raised in dual-parent households has a better and more stable life, which continues to adulthood. 삽입 * 이 단락은 주장이 분명하지 않습니다. 단락의 첫 문장에서 양쪽 부모가 모두 있는 가정은 자녀들에게 좀 더 나은 교육을 제공할 수 있다고 했으나, 내용이 제대로 전개되지 못했습니다. 나머지 문장들이 첫 문장의 주제에서 벗어나는 바람에 부모의 사랑이 얼마나 중요한지 언급하는 것으로 단락을 끝맺었습니다. 이는 한 단락 안에서 전혀 다른 주장을 하고 있는 것입니다.
13	삭제
14	삭제→are 삽입
15	삭제→to be 삽입
16	삭제→Financial Stability 삽입
17	삭제→family members 삽입
18	삭제
19	with their parents 삽입
20	삭제* 만약 학생이 ‘말할 나위도 없이(needless to say)’를 문장에서 사용한다면, 그 문장은 언급할 필요가 없습니다. 또, 에세이의 결론을 쓸 때는 근거 없이 새 아이디어만 내서는 안 된다는 것을 명심하세요.
21	I believe that children raised in dual-parent households are more likely to lead valuable lives given the advantages that such households provide. 삽입

■ 총평

한 문단에 여러 아이디어 담으면 애매모호한 글

Your essay is interesting because you present valid arguments and ideas related to the topics in all your paragraphs. Unfortunately, there is a common problem in all of your essay's body paragraphs: the ideas contained in each individual paragraph are not coherently related to each other. Thus, you fail to make a definitive point each time you present your arguments. This leads to confusion for the reader, since it becomes a challenge to decipher exactly what you are trying to state. Limit yourself to one central idea per paragraph that you subsequently develop and support in the following sentences.

학생은 각 단락에서 주제와 관련한 타당한 주장과 아이디어를 제시하여 흥미로운 에세이를 썼습니다. 그러나 안타깝게도 학생 에세이의 본문에서 공통된 문제점이 보입니다. 각 단락의 아이디어들이 일관되게 연결되지 못해 단락별 주장을 내세울 때 명확한 핵심을 짚어내지 못한 것입니다. 이는 독자들이 에세이가 말하고자 하는 바가 정확히 무엇인지 해석하기 어려울 정도로 글을 애매모호하게 만들고 말았습니다. 그러므로 각 문단을 쓸 때는 주장을 하나의 아이디어로만 제한하고 그에 이어서 주장을 전개하고 뒷받침할 문장들을 쓰기 바랍니다.

파트리쇼 페레스(사진)·cybersli.com 책임연구원

윤수진·cybersli.com 연구원

◎써서 보내요

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? “All people should be required to live in a foreign country for part of their lives.” Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

(다음 문장에 동의하는지, 동의하지 않는지 구체적인 이유와 예를 들어 자신의 주장을 뒷받침하는 글을 300단어 안팎으로 써 주세요. “사람은 모두 일생에서 얼마 동안은 외국에서 살아봐야 한다.”)

◎ 이 사이트로 보내세요

‘써서 보내요’에 대한 글을 다음 주 월요일까지 보내 주세요. 잘된 글 가운데 일부를 선정해 첨삭지도를 해드립니다.

글 보내실 곳: www.easynonsul.com →중학 영어 논술클리닉(www.easynonsul.com/Middle/Class/English/)