[理知논술]영어 논술 클리닉

■ 논제

“Borrowing money from a friend can harm or destroy the friendship.” Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

(“친구에게 돈을 빌리는 것은 우정을 해치거나 망가뜨릴 수 있다.” 이 말에 동의하는지, 동의하지 않는지 구체적인 이유와 예를 들어 자신의 주장을 뒷받침하는 글을 300단어 안팎으로 써 주세요.)

■ 학생글

김희수·서울영동중학교3학년

<1>Friends are a crucial part of everyone's life. In our life time, we get to know many different peers according to our life stage. Than what relates in a friendship? I would saythat a friendship is composed of trust and harmony. <2>Therefore <3>I believe that borrowing money from a friend can harm or destroy the friendship because this can result in <4> loss of trust <5>and conflict.

Borrowing money from a friend can cause loss in trust. <6>Some people might say that a friendship is so strong that a few dollars can not influence a relationship. This can be the case, but it is also the case that money can ruin a relationship. Money is an important asset that we need to survive. Thus, borrowing this asset from a friend is a very sensitive matter. The friend that lend the money can probably act more superior to the person that borrowed the money because unconsciously, the friend knows that he or she is in a more better situation than the person who got the money. The friend with the more money might lie to the less fortunate friend that he feels sorry for him and says not to worry about paying back while in reality, he or she is very anxious in getting repaid. This can make the person who received the money distrust the friend and accuse the him of being a traitor and hypocrite. Therefore the borrowing of money can be a sensitive issue between friends.

Money can also cause conflict between <7>two or more friends. <8>When we are young we are not affected much to the money a friend has but in stead, attracted to a friend because he or she is fun to be with. However as we grow up, we learn about the value of money and what it can bring to us. Eventually friends might compete with each other for more money and this is the reason why money often results in conflict. For example, let's say that two friends work in the same company. A promotion will be given to the person who performs better. In this case the two "friends" will compete with each other. In the end however, there will be the friend who got the promotion while the other friend did not. This situation can cause conflict between the friends because even if the friend who lost says congratulation to the friend who won, he or she does not mean it and this fact will show to the other friend. In the end, the two people will probably not be able to maintain the relationship they had before.

Friendship is <9>a vulnerable <10>subject that is easily influenced by money. Money can result in financial and conflict between two people. Therefore I will say that borrowing money from a friend can harm or devastate a friendship.

■ 첨삭글

#	Content
1	삭제→ Some people might say that a friendship is so strong that a few dollars cannot influence this relationship. This may be the case, but it is also true that money can ruin a friendship. Borrowing money from a friend is a very sensitive matter as money is an important asset that all of us need to survive. Moreover, since 삽입
2	삭제
3	삭제→ borrowing money from a friend 삽입
4	a 삽입
5	삭제→ in that friend and conflicts. 삽입
6	삭제→ It is true. No matter what, if you lend a friend money, you expect to be paid back. It has nothing to do with how much money your family may have. It has to do with not letting people take advantage of you, and- hopefully- knowing that you can trust your friends not to do this. 삽입
7	삭제
8	삭제→ Of course, no matter how you look at it, if you lose trust in a friend, then you begin to regard him or her in a different way. Thus, you may think of your friend as a cheat, a hypocrite, or simply a liar. At some point, you will need to confront your friend about his or her actions(not paying back the money borrowed). This is so unnecessary. 삽입
9	a 삭제
10	삭제→ enough without the strain of adding loans and collections to it. My advice: if you want to live better, only lend money when you can do it with no expectation of being paid back. That way, you can keep the friend and forget the debt. 삽입

■ 총평

짜임새 있는 구성이 에세이의 첫번째 규칙

Your essay is the perfect example of somebody who actually has good arguments but does not know how to develop them. As it is, I took the arguments you put forth and developed them in a way that actually made sense. Always remember that when you write an essay, you are trying to convince whoever reads your essay that your point of view is a valid one. For that to happen, you have to let your reader know what your point is. I know I rewrote your essay, but I still used the arguments that you put forth. Always focus on what you want to say as opposed to saying whatever comes into your mind. Organization is the most important element in an essay.

학생의 에세이는 좋은 아이디어를 짜임새 있게 전개하지 못한 전형적인 예라고 할 수 있습니다. 그래서 저는 학생이 주장한 내용을 바탕으로 좀 더 논리적으로 맞게 에세이를 수정해 보았습니다. 에세이를 쓸 때 항상 염두에 둘 점은 자신의 주장을 논리적으로 전개시켜 어떤 독자가 읽든 수긍할 수 있어야 한다는 것입니다. 그렇게 하기 위해서는 에세이가 주장하는 요점이 무엇인지 독자에게 알려야 합니다. 물론 제가 학생의 에세이를 다시 쓰긴 했지만, 에세이가 담고 있던 기본 아이디어는 살려 뒀습니다. 머릿속에 생각나는 대로 글을 적기보다는 어떤 주장을 펼칠 것인지에 더 초점을 두길 바랍니다. 짜임새 있는 구성은 에세이가 지켜야 할 첫 번째 규칙입니다.

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◎ 써서 보내요

“Playing a game is fun only if you win.” Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

(“게임은 자신이 이길 때만 재미있다.” 이 말에 동의하는지, 동의하지 않는지 구체적인 이유와 예를 들어 자신의 주장을 뒷받침하는 글을 300단어 안팎으로 써 주세요.)