[理知논술]영어 논술 클리닉

■논제

“Parents are the best teachers.” Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

(“부모는 가장 좋은 선생님이다.” 이 말에 동의하는지, 동의하지 않는지 구체적인 이유와 예를 들어 자신의 주장을 뒷받침하는 글을 300단어 안팎으로 써 주세요.)

■학생글 - 박소의·인천 인천여중 2학년

<1>I have met a lot of teachers for the 17 years of my life. I have never met a teacher who could match my parents <2>as a teacher. It is a undeniable fact that parents are the best teachers in the world in that parents are the people who know the best about their children, they are willing to teach their children as best as they can, and they can teach their children about life the most frankly.

First, parents are the people who know <3>the best about their children best. They might even know their <4>kids more than <5>kids know about themselves. <6>So they <7>know exactly what kind of education will be necessary and helpful for their child <8>. When I was in 4th grade, I had problems solving mathematical equations. My father tested me with the questions he made and found out <9>the part I was having trouble with whereas the teacher at school did not really care <10>about me following along with the material we study in class. <11>After the help of my father, I was able to solve all the questions that I did not know before which helped me a lot.

Second, no other teacher <12>than parents teaches as willingly as <13>them. Parents have an <14>direct relationship with the future of their children. If the children do not turn out to be very successful <15>when they are grown-ups, the parents might have to support them <16>whereas school teachers and students only have a short relationship. It doesn't really matter if the students are following what the teacher is saying to the teachers. What is important is that they taught the students what they need to know even if they didn't understand the facts. On the other hand, parents teach children with all their might to make them into a successful person. Therefore, no other teacher is better than parents.

Finally, teachers <17>are not only people who teach <18>people knowledge but, also <19>teach students about life. <20>However, there exists no teacher who teach students about life. Even if there exists such a teacher, he won't be one hundred percent frank. Only parents can <21>be the teachers who can teach their children about life the most frankly. <22>My mother taught me to live life as honestly as possible but to be sly sometimes; <23>and I believe to survive in this world a person has to live this way sometimes. <24>A teacher has to be very moral so no could of and has told me such a thing about life. So, I believe parents are the best teachers.

<25>Parents normally know their children the best and, want <26>to teach them as best as they could, and be totally frank when teaching them about life. <27>So I believe parents are the best teachers. Parents won't teach their children harmful things so children should obey their parents <28> teach them <29>than being aggressive toward them like most of the people do in their <30> teenage years <31>.

■첨삭글

#	Content
1	I have met a lot of teachers for → In
2	삭제 → in frankness, understanding, and willingness when it came to teaching me. Based on my parents’ example, I believe that no teacher is better for a child than his or her parents are. 삽입
3	삭제
4	kids more → children better
5	kids know about → the children know
6	so they → In many cases, parents
7	know exactly → have a better understanding of
8	, according to his or her abilities 삽입
9	the part → where
10	삭제
11	after → With
12	삭제
13	them → a parent does
14	direct relation ship with → important stake in
15	삭제
16	삭제 → Seriously, though, a parent is most frequently the one person who enjoys a child’s success the most and suffers the failures and disappointments in the same way. As a teacher, a parent seeks nothing but the best for his or her child and gives the most to ensure success. 삽입
17	삭제
18	people → others not only about facts and
19	teach student about → about
20	삭제 → To teach the latter, teachers need to be one hundred percent frank with their students. 삽입
21	삭제
22	For example, 삽입
23	and I believe → undoubtedly,
24	삭제 → No teacher would have offered this advice to me because a teacher has to maintain a certain image. 삽입
25	Briefly 삽입
26	삭제 → what is best for them. 삽입
27	삭제 → Therefore, 삽입
28	and learn what their parents have to 삽입
29	삭제 → even through 삽입
30	difficult 삽입
31	because parents are the best teachers, they will ever have. 삽입

■총평 - 도입부에 글 전개방식 암시하는게 바람직

Your essay is a good example of an essay whose arguments refer exclusively to the writer’s personal experiences. As such, it is always a good idea to include a qualifying phrase in the introduction to help your readers understand why it is that you are writing the essay in this manner. This limits the scope of your essay, and it makes clear to the readers that your arguments derive from your own experiences.

I like that you used parallelism in detailing your arguments in the introduction, but I would suggest that you always try to keep this detail as simple as possible. With this in mind, I changed your summary of reasons from a series of actions to three nouns: frankness, willingness, and understanding. These nouns then became the basis of the arguments to develop in the body paragraphs.

My last observation is to avoid including phrases at the end of the body paragraphs that are mere repetitions of your original thesis statement, as these add nothing to your essay. Obviously, these two sentences are neither arguments nor supporting sentences.

박소의 학생의 에세이는 글쓴이의 경험에 대한 이야기가 짜임새 있게 전개된 좋은 예라고 할 수 있습니다. 박소의 학생의 에세이처럼 도입부에는 글이 어떤 방식으로 전개될 것인지 암시하는 내용을 담는 것이 바람직합니다. 이렇게 함으로써 글이 전개될 방향을 제시하고 글쓴이의 주장이 개인적 경험을 바탕으로 펼쳐지고 있다는 사실을 독자들에게 알려줄 수 있게 됩니다. 글의 도입 부분에서 대구법을 사용하여 의견을 개진한 것은 좋았습니다. 하지만 말하고자 하는 내용이 많을수록 다소 단순한 방법으로 전달할 필요가 있습니다. 그래서 선생님은 박소의 학생이 서술한 일련의 사건들을 솔직함, 자발적 태도, 이해심이라는 세 단어로 압축해 보았습니다. 이 단어들을 바탕으로 본문 문단에서 주장이 전개되는 것이죠.

에세이를 쓸 때 마지막으로 기억할 점은 각 문단의 마지막 부분에 자신의 주장을 반복해서 써서는 안 된다는 것입니다. 이런 문장은 에세이에 아무런 도움도 되지 않습니다. 이 두 문장은 글쓴이의 주장을 담은 문장도 아니며 주장을 뒷받침하는 문장이라고도 할 수 없습니다.

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◎써서 보내요

“Telephones and e-mails have made communication between people less personal.” Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

(“전화나 e메일은 사람들 간의 소통을 덜 인간적으로 만든다.” 이 말에 동의하는지, 동의하지 않는지 구체적인 이유와 예를 들어 자신의 주장을 뒷받침하는 글을 300단어 안팎으로 써 주세요.)