[理知논술]영어 논술 클리닉

■ 논제

We would like to know, in no more than 500 words, what experiences have led you to select your professional field and objective.

(어떤 경험들이 당신의 전공분야와 목표를 선택하는 원인이 되었는지 500단어 이내로 쓰세요.)

■ 학생글

이지희 경남 김해여고 2학년

<1>Well , <2>i had so many dreams when i was younger - like a balleina , nurse , doctor and so on. Then <3>it was stopped when <4>i was just third grade of my primary school. <5>It was term of writing a essay about my dreams. When <6>i <7>think about what i want to be on my dest at home, i saw so many books on my room wall. That was <8>all about 'law'. and i was curious, why that kind of books were in my house ? i couldn't understand, <9>there is none of pepole who <10>are work or study for a judge or a public prosecutor or even lawyer in my family!

I asked <11>to my father. He told me that <12>are his books. He said he wanted to work in law <13>part. and that is why my room was filled with law books. when he was young <14>his home was not enough for serve him to go to university. He had to change his dream . It was my <15>fathers first <16>broke up with dreams. But the second chance came to him when <17>he'v <18>got married to my mom. After <19>talk with my mom, he quit his work and <20>study again <21>for make his dream come true. But it wasn't easy, <22>home economic was so hard and big deal to just my mom at that time. Mom spent so hard time. Then, when my younger brother was born <23>he had to quit his dream again for us - our home economic. Because there was no longer anything to do except <24>that way.

When my father told me that story he seemed so depressed and lonely and <25>everything about bad feelings. At that time, i knew what i have <26>to and what i want to. Judge! <27>I decide to be a judge for my father, but that wasn't just reason makes me select my way. i always wanted to be the this century King Solomon who was the wisest king and judge in the history. On the desire of getting the wisedom of Solomon and my father story make me choose my way.

And now a day, when i watch the cruel story of crime, dirt story about white crime in political world and innocent people who have no reason but go to jail by wrong police i think about my dreams again and again and make my mind correctly to become the real and justify judge. and this is why i study hard. i won't fail, for my parents and for myself and for the society!

■ 첨삭글

I had so many dreams when I was younger-such as becoming a ballerina, nurse, or doctor. These dreams changed when I was in the third grade of primary school. I had to write an essay about my dreams. When I thought about what I wanted to be as I sat at my desk at home, I saw many books on the shelves in my room about law. I was curious. Why were there those kinds of books in my house? I couldn't understand this because no one in my family has even studied law.

I asked my father. He told me those were his books. He said he had wanted to work in law, and that was why my room was filled with law books. When he was young, his family did not have the means to send him to university. He had to change his dream. This was my father’s broken dream. But he got a second chance when he got married to my mom. After talking with her, he quit his job and again studied in order to make his dream come true. But it wasn't easy and the family finances were difficult even for just the two of them. Mom also had a hard time. Then, when my younger brother was born, my father had to set aside his dream again for our family due to our financial circumstances. There was no way around it.

When my father told me that story, he seemed so depressed and lonely, and shared a lot of negative feelings. At that moment, I knew what I wanted to do-be a judge! I decided to be a judge because of my father, but that wasn't the only reason why I made that decision. I have always wanted to be this century’s King Solomon, the wisest king and judge in the history. Both my desire to gain the wisdom of Solomon and my father’s story made me choose my path. And now today, when I watch the cruel crime stories, or stories about white crime in the political world, and see innocent people go to jail because of corrupt police, I think about my dreams again and again and make my mind up once again to become a real and just judge. This is why I study hard. I won't fail my parents, myself or society!

#	content
1	구어체의 사용: 에세이를 쓸 때는 구어체를 쓰지 않아야 합니다.
2	도입부에는 주어진 논제에 대한 언급이 필요합니다. 에세이는 시작 부분부터 논제와 연관이 있어야 합니다.
3	잘못된 대명사를 사용했습니다.
4	다음의 어구로 바꾸는 것이 좋겠군요. ‘I was in the third grade…’
5	단어의 부적절한 사용 : ‘term’ 이라는 단어의 잘못된 사용으로 이 문장의 전체 의미가 모호하게 되었습니다. 또한 모음으로 시작하는 명사의 앞에 부정관사가 필요한 경우 ＇an＇을 사용해야 한다는 사실을 기억하세요./a essay(x) → an essay(o)
6	＇I＇는 항상 대문자로 표기하는 것이 원칙입니다.
7	잘못된 동사의 사용 : 과거시제로 바꾸세요.
8	주어·동사 일치의 오류 : ‘all the books were about law’ 로 바꾸세요
9	장황한 표현 : ＇no one＇ 이나 ＇nobody＇ 로 바꾸는 것이 좋겠습니다.
10	잘못된 수동태의 사용 : 능동태 동사인 ‘works＇로 바꾸세요.
11	삭제
12	Be 동사의 주어가 빠졌습니다.
13	‘part’ 의미가 명확하지 않습니다.
14	논리가 명확하지 않습니다.: 그 당시 아버지가 부족했던 것이 돈, 부모님의 뒷받침 혹은 관심 중에 무엇이었는지를 좀 더 구체적으로 기술하는 것이 좋겠습니다.
15	소유격 부호가 빠짐: 소유격을 나타내기 위해서는 소유격 부호를 사용해야 합니다. ‘father＇s’로 바꾸세요.
16	단어 사용의 오류 : ‘disappointment’나 ‘disillusion’과 같은 단어로 바꾸는 것이 좋겠습니다.
17	에세이에서는 축약어를 쓰지 않는 것이 원칙입니다.
18	구어체의 사용 : 구어체에서는 ‘He got married.’와 같은 문장이 허용될 수 있지만, 글을 쓸 때에는 ‘He married (wed) my mother.’와 같이 표현해야 합니다.
19	동사의 잘못된 사용: 분사구문으로 문장을 시작하려면 동명사를 사용해야 합니다.
20	동사의 시제가 잘못되었습니다.
21	To 부정사를 사용하는 것이 좋겠군요.
22	유추를 통해서만 의미를 파악할 수 있는 잘못된 문장입니다.
23	대명사가 지칭하는 사람이 누구인지 명확지 않습니다.
24	지시형용사의 사용이 잘못되었습니다. ‘that way＇가 ’어떤 방식‘을 말하는 것인지 분명히 나타내야 합니다.
25	논리가 없는 문장입니다.
26	‘To’ 다음의 부분에 동사가 빠졌습니다. 이 자리에는 명확한 의미 전달은 물론이고 문법적으로도 동사가 꼭 있어야 합니다.
27	논리의 전개가 두서 없고 어른스럽지 못합니다.

■ 총평

구어체에서만 통할 수 있는 표현은 쓰지 말라

I hardly know where to begin to comment on your essay. As you can see from my edits, I practically had to rewrite all of it. Nonetheless, I tried to stay true to your original essay so that you can appreciate just what you did wrong. From the very beginning, when you wrote "Well …," the mistakes occur one after another in your essay. (Never begin a written essay with an expression that is proper only in informal speech.) To name a few, your essay has errors in capitalization, noun-verb agreement, use of pronouns, etc. In addition, for many of your sentences I had to infer the meaning to be able to rewrite it. I suggest you review you grammar rules thoroughly, and take some time to reflect carefully on just how to express yourself before writing.

첨삭글에서도 볼 수 있듯이 선생님은 에세이의 대부분 문장을 다시 써야만 했습니다. 그럼에도 본래 문장의 뜻을 살리기 위해 애를 썼습니다. 그래야 이지희 학생이 어떤 실수를 했는지 알 수 있을 테니까요. 일단 “Well”로 시작을 한 에세이의 첫 부분부터 실수가 보입니다. (에세이를 쓸 때에는 절대로 구어체에서만 허용될 수 있는 표현은 사용하지 마세요.)

몇 가지 더 지적하자면, 이지희 학생의 에세이는 대문자표기법과, 주어·동사의 수일치, 대명사의 용법 등에 있어서 잦은 실수를 보이고 있습니다. 또한 어떤 문장들은 의미가 명확하지 않아 선생님이 유추해서 새로운 문장을 써야만 했습니다. 영문법의 규칙들을 철저히 공부할 것을 권합니다. 그리고 앞으로 글쓰기 과정에 들어가기에 앞서 자신의 생각을 어떻게 표현할 것인지에 대해 곰곰이 생각해 보는 습관을 가져야겠습니다.

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