[理知논술/영어 논술 클리닉]중학 영어

■ 지난주 논제

Do you agree or disagree with the following quotation? "All governments should be required by international law to fund and support free public health programs for citizens." Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

(다음 인용문에 동의하는지, 동의하지 않는지 구체적인 이유와 예를 들어 자신의 주장을 뒷받침하는 글을 300단어 안팎으로 써 주세요. “모든 국가는 국민을 위해 무료 공공 의료 서비스를 제공하라는 국제법을 따를 필요가 있다.”)

■ 학생글

정아린·서울 은성중학교 3학년

All governments should be required by international law to fund and support free public health programs for citizens 〈1〉because it would 〈2〉 solve 〈3〉the global health issues, 〈4〉there won't be 〈5〉 any corruption 〈6〉within the government during the program and the convenience of using one law.

〈A〉Funding and supporting free public health programs according the international law would solve the global health issues. Health problems have been the global issues for ages. There have been many campaigns organized to solve the global health problem but they were not that successful. However, if all governments on Earth are required by international law to fund and support free public health programs, then it would be a lot more effective than any other things that we have done so far. 〈7〉

〈B〉All governments that are required by international law would not have any corruption within themselves. When the governments organize some big events or campaigns, there are often problems with group of governors snatching the start-up money for the events in the middle for their own benefits. In contrast, if the governments are required by international law, they would work on the program without any corruption because they know that they will be publically punished by international law. 〈8〉

〈C〉All governments should be required by international law because it is so much easier to follow one law than several other local laws. For example, American government work on the program by following their national law and Japan does the same and several other countries do the same. When all the governments gather for like a process reporting or something, they would cause a lot of confusion between governments that were required by international law and the others that were required by their national laws. 〈9〉

〈10〉In conclusion, all governments should be required by international law because it will solve the global health issues because everyone's all doing together. Also, there will not be any corruption within any governments because they will be punished seriously by the international law and lastly, it is much easier to use one law which is international law because it will not cause any confusion between the worlds.

■ 첨삭글

#	Content
1	삭제→. Funding public health programs 삽입
2	help 삽입
3	삭제→many of the current 삽입
4	삭제→elimination waste 삽입
5	삭제→and 삽입
6	삭제→in these same programs. 삽입
7	Throughout history, health has been a global concern due to the existence of diseases and viruses that are highly lethal and contagious. Diseases such as polio, cholera, etc, require worldwide concerted efforts to avoid their spread and to obtain their eradication. Even today, new diseases such as AIDS and SARS spread throughout our planet with little that local health authorities can do combat them. 삽입
8	Health programs often require the commitment of enormous resources and dedication. Unfortunately, as happens in most parts of the world, sometimes there is both waste and corruption in the implementation of health programs. The reasons vary between corrupt government officials, unscrupulous pharmaceutical companies, and others. If countries are held to one law that is above their own legislation, officials could be held accountable before international courts in a manner that many times does not occur in local courts. 삽입
9	In sum, coordinating health programs under a common law and organization, such as the World Health Organization, the United Nations, and the International Court of La Hague will bring better and more effective results in the fight against the lethal diseases and viruses that continue to plague humanity and threaten the lives of millions of people every year. 삽입
10	삭제※ 반복된 언급은 피하세요.

■ 총평

문장→문장 내용 연결 자연스러워야

In this paragraph 〈A〉, you do not develop an argument. If you analyze your sentences as a paragraph, none manages to further the idea proposed in the previous sentence. You limit yourself to compiling loosely connected ideas.

In this paragraph 〈B〉 you manage to better group your ideas around a central argument. Nonetheless, your organization makes your argument hard to decipher for the average reader.

The argument contained in this paragraph 〈C〉 is that centralization and standardization would allow better results. You fail to make this clear to your reader.

정아린 학생의 에세이는 서론 〈A〉에서 주장이 제대로 전개되지 못하고 있습니다. 문장을 마치 단락처럼 분석해 보면, 앞의 문장에서 언급된 내용이 다음 문장에 자연스럽게 연결되어 있지 않음을 알 수 있을 것입니다. 정아린 학생은 막연히 연결된 생각들을 모아 하나의 글을 쓰도록 스스로를 제한할 필요가 있겠습니다.

본문 첫 번째 단락 〈B〉에서는 아이디어들을 주제문 중심으로 정리한 노력이 보입니다. 그럼에도 불구하고 이 단락은 일반 독자들이 판독하기에는 어려운 글의 구성을 보이고 있습니다.

본문 두 번째 단락 〈C〉에서 학생은 (국제 공중 보건의) 표준화와 중앙통제가 좀 더 나은 결과를 가져올 거라는 주장을 제시했습니다. 그러나 이 역시 독자들에게 분명하게 전달하는 데 실패했습니다.

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◎써서 보내요

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? “It is better for young children to be raised in dual-parent rather than single-parent households.” Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

(다음 문장에 동의하는지, 동의하지 않는지 구체적인 이유와 예를 들어 자신의 주장을 뒷받침하는 글을 300단어 안팎으로 써 주세요. “어린이들은 양친 부모 아래 자라는 것이 편부모 가정에서 자라는 것보다 좋다.”)

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