■ 논제
Do you agree or disagree with the following quotation? "schools should ask students to evaluate their teachers." Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
(다음 인용문에 동의하는지, 동의하지 않는지 구체적인 이유와 예를 들어 자신의 주장을 뒷받침하는 글을 300단어 안팎으로 써주세요. “학교는 학생들이 교사를 평가하도록 해야 한다.”)
■ 학생글
이정수·서울개원중학교3학년
There recent, heated debate in schools is whether students should be allowed to evaluate their teachers. Most people who agree to this theory state that this system allows teachers to develop and correct their mistakes. However, this system of evaluating teachers is incomplete and therefore should not be used because of the following reasons: Students do not know how to make logical evaluations and students do not know enough to evaluate their teachers.
First of all, the first reason why students should not evaluate their teachers is because students do not know how to make logical evaluations. Most high school students are immature people who will get upset easily because of the teachers' advice or warning. Their evolutions would not be based on the quality of the lectures of their teachers but actually it will be based on their feelings or the personality of the teacher. In my high school, there was a teacher evaluation at the end of every semester and usually the teachers who got the highest evaluations where teachers who were popular -usually teachers who had terrible bad lectures but had good socializing abilities. At the other extreme, were those teachers who had a good quality in their lecture but had a bad personality or gave warnings to students who misbehaved. Student evolution is incomplete and biased because it is based on their feelings and the personality.
Moreover, students lack the proper knowledge and skill. The technique and skill of evaluating takes enormous experience and knowledge of the area of evaluations. For instance, a connoisseur has to have amazing experience and knowledge on food and drinking to able to evaluate them effectively. This applies the same with teaching. A person should have knowledge and even experience of teaching others to effectively evaluate other teachers. However, most students are inexperienced and ignorant about how to evaluate a teacher effectively. Like I said before, they will most likely make their evaluations out of their feelings or the teachers' personality. Schools should not ask students to evaluate their teachers because they are inexperienced and do not have sufficient knowledge to do so.
In conclusion, schools should not ask students to evaluate their teachers because students will evaluate their teachers in a biased and wrong way and students re inexperienced and have inadequate knowledge. Evaluating others is a very sensitive and important issue; hence, it should be done in a very careful and complete way.
■ 첨삭글
#Content1삭제 → A 삽입2삭제3삭제 → Proponents of student evaluations 삽입4allows → would allow 수정5develop → identify 수정6However → In my opinion 수정7incomplete → inefficient 수정8삭제9삭제 → nor do they 삽입10삭제 * 위의 생각의 반복입니다.11삭제 → so they 삽입12삭제 → when their teachers give them 삽입13삭제 → As a result, students base their evaluations 삽입14삭제 * 불필요한 수동태 문장의 사용은 피하세요. 15rather than the quality of the teacher＇s lectures. 삽입16삭제 → Unfortunately 삽입17삭제 → with students instead of being good lecturers. 삽입18삭제 → who lectured well, but they were strict with students. 수정19삭제 * 불필요한 반복은 피하세요.20to evaluate their teachers properly. 삽입21삭제 * 반복
22삭제 → A fair teacher evaluation requires experience to judge teachers in matters such as lesson plans, class preparation, class control, development of subjects, etc Students may know how they perceive their teacher, but this perception comes from their limited role as students. 삽입* 필요 이상의 예시는 주장을 제대로 설명하지 못합니다.23삭제 → given the responsibility, 삽입24삭제 → due to inexperience and lack of 삽입25삭제 → those who know what they are doing should do it. 삽입
명백한 반박이 아닐땐 ‘however’ 쓰면 안돼
■ 총평
Your essay begins with a good introduction to the topic, a recognizable thesis statement, and valid arguments. However, the use of ‘however’ as a transition to state your opinion was incorrect. Remember that ‘however’ normally indicates an exception or apparent contradiction to a previous statement. In your introduction you are not in exception to those who propose student evaluations, you have a different opinion - which you want to make clear to your readers.
The inclusion of your school’s experience is very good to illustrate the first argument that you made. The problem is your second argument; in this paragraph, you were unable to develop your argument. Thus, you made one of the most common mistakes in essays: circular repetition of the same idea. In other words, you said the same thing in different ways. Furthermore, your example was useless to further the argument you introduced. You need to be precise in your examples to avoid using, as in this case, an example that you can repeat endlessly by changing a few words (i.e., a mechanic needs to know about cars, a doctor needs to know about anatomy, a critic about art, etc.).
이정수 학생은 이번 에세이에서 자기 의견이 분명하게 드러나 있는 주제문과 설득력 있는 주장으로 논제에 대한 훌륭한 서론을 썼습니다. 하지만, 논지를 내세우면서 쓴 접속부사 ‘however’의 사용은 적절치 못했습니다. 일반적으로 접속부사 ‘however’는 앞에 언급한 의견에 반대하거나 명백한 반박을 할 때 사용한다는 것을 기억하세요. 서론에서 이정수 학생은 학생들의 교사 평가를 제안하는 사람들에 대해 반박을 하는 것이 아닌 다른 의견을 언급하고 있습니다.
본론 첫 번째 단락에서는 학생 본인의 경험을 예로 들어 설명하여 논지를 자연스럽게 전개했습니다. 문제는 본론 두 번째 단락입니다. 이 단락에서는 몇 가지 실수로 주장이 약해졌습니다. 한 예로서 대다수의 학생이 영작문을 할 때 흔히 하는 실수 가운데 하나인 같은 생각을 반복하여 쓰는 실수를 하고 있습니다. 바꿔 말하면, 같은 내용의 의견을 단어들만 바꾸어 다른 식으로 언급하고 있습니다. 게다가, 학생이 사용한 예시는 주장을 내세우는 데 도움이 되고 있지 못합니다. 다음 번 영작문에서는 단어들만 바꾸어 계속해서 같은 근거를 제시하는 작문 습관을 피하기 바라며, 좀 더 명확하게 논거들을 표현하기 바랍니다.
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◎ 써서 보내요
Do you agree or disagree with the following quotation? “All fast food restaurants should be closed and made illegal because they are hazards to people’s health.” Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
(다음 인용문에 동의하는지, 동의하지 않는지 구체적인 이유와 예를 들어 자신의 주장을 뒷받침하는 글을 300단어 안팎으로 써주세요. “패스트푸트 음식점은 사람들의 건강에 해로우므로 모두 폐점하고 법으로 금지해야 한다.”)
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