[Opinion] Forty-Something Crisis

A middle-aged couple was watching a TV soap opera. It was about a man cheating on his wife. Then the husband asked his wife in a casual way, “What would you do if I cheat on you?” The wife hardly hesitated and answered, “Who would like a man like you, who is old, has a big belly and little money.” Listening to his wife, the man said that he felt wrath. It was a story introduced by psychiatrist Jung Hye-jin last month during a theater play titled `Men`.

Men undergo their version of menopause symptoms. They feel betrayed and enraged with the fact that even their dear wives ignore them. They sometimes shed tears listening to old pops and hide themselves to bathroom so that no one can see them. It is not just their bodies that become weak. Their emotion also goes through changes. It is partly because men have more female hormone after they pass the age of 40. Having worked so hard to gain recognition in the society, now men in their 40s begin to understand the relationship-focused world of women.

The forty-something crisis is not just happening in this country. According to psychiatrist Jim Conway, who wrote a book entitled `Middle-Aged Men in Crisis` in 1997, middle-aged men is like mountain climbers asking themselves `Is this the one I targeted?` on the peak of the mountain. They grow skeptical about their lives, wondering whether they have achieved their goals and what their goals were like in the first place. For Korean men in their 40s leading their lives in 2003, the problem is far more serious. They find their relationships with family members, coworkers and friends only superficial. They are crippled in terms of having real relationships. They are only guilty of having spent most of time at work instead of playing with children and of being left behind out of sudden while management choosing young competent workers.

Yet, the key to the solution is realizing the problem. Experts warn that trying to restore fractured relationships at once will only backfire. Instead of imposing your ideas on families during discussions, you can try to be good fathers and husbands by watching and being there for the loved ones. Look back on yourselves and be prepared for years after retirement. Men in their 40s are like winners of 1 billion-worth lottery. You have found a package of presents filled with emotion. It must be blessing to fall in love with yourselves you never knew before.

Kim Sun-deok, Editorial Writer, yuri@donga.com