5-point tips for grandmas to prevent ‘grandchild illness’

A married woman’s mother, who is taking care of grandchildren despite her advanced age, is sandwiched in many ways. She comes under pressure from the daughter who always has discontent and complaints, her own husband who always seeks to preach on childrearing, her son-in-law who is negligent, and the mischievous grandchildren who can come into trouble at any time. As grandmother is tasked with not only childrearing but also homemaking all alone, she could develop "grandchild illness," which refers to various physical and mental suffering while rearing a child at an advanced age. Here are "five-point tips for childrearing for grandmas at advanced age," which will help the grandmas rearing a grandchild happy, with assistance from Yoon Yeong-joo, head of the Parents’ Education Institute.

① The mother and daughter should dispel aged sense of regret and discontent first = “Mother, you had discriminated me from my brother,” or “You always failed to listen to what I wanted.” The daughter has the emotion of appreciation and regret to the mother at the same time. Already having regret and emotional scar she received from the mother for a long time, when she sees the mother give pain similar to one she herself experienced during her childhood to her own child, she feels regret. From that moment, the relationship between the mother and daughter could turn to an uncontrollable situation. The daughter should dispel such sense of regret and discontent by holding dialogue with the mother.

② Fix the duration of childrearing, conditions and compensation = The two sides should agree upon the three conditions: the duration of childrearing, conditions and compensation. For one, they should specifically define the period of childrearing: for example, the grandmother takes care of the baby for one year until the baby goes to daycare center. It is also desirable to be specific about the duration of childcare, such as "from the time before the daughter goes to work to 8 p.m. after end of the working day," or "except for special occasions, do not to leave the baby on the grandmother from the end of work on Friday through Sunday evening." It is also desirable to define the duration of vacation for the grandmother.

③ Pay compensation on the daughter’s pay day, and put compensation in an envelope when paying = If bothersome, it is also good to use bank transfer to pay compensation. If the daughter puts off payment day after day to save a small amount, or fails to pay on a timely basis, it could cause unnecessary misunderstanding. The amount of compensation should be fixed according to the extent the daughter can afford to. If the daughter initially overpays and later seeks to cut, the mother may feel disappointed all the more.

④ Ask a favor rather than order = The daughter should always be careful when talking to the mother just like when talking to her mother-in-law. She should refrain from ordering or blaming her mother. Whatever the daughter says, she is advised to talk as if asking a favor of her mother. It is the daughter’s misunderstanding to believe that the mother will display understanding no matter how the daughter says.

⑤ Grandmother is not the mother = The daughter should minimize the level of expectation on childrearing by her mother. The daughter should discard the expectation such as "since my mother is taking care of my child anyway, I hope she seasons the baby food and read fairytales to my child." It is too much to expect her mother will teach manners to the child, just because the child is not well-mannered. The child’s own parents should play the role of the bad guy. It is enough for the grandmother to grow the child healthy and sound.

salthj@donga.com