Family Conversations: Do’s and Don’ts

According to “I Only Say This Because I Love You,” published in 2001, family is precious. We find comfort in our families. Where else can we turn when we are alone or hurt in this world?

The water from the “well of love” is not always delicious, however.

“This toilet paper roll is recyclable!” a wife shouts from the bathroom as she stares at an empty roll inside the trash can like a detective who has just found evidence.

“I know it is recyclable. You don’t have to remind me,” her husband says.

Though not as much as his wife, he approves of recycling. That day, however, he inadvertently threw out an empty toilet paper roll into the trash box.

His wife noticed.

“You don’t have go through the garbage to check on what I throw away. Our relationship is far more important than a stupid empty toilet paper roll,” he says.

“I am not talking about our relationship, I am talking about recycling,” his wife retorts.

A Ukrainian proverb says: “People in love always fight.”

Because family members are very close, they are prone to see each other’s darker sides. One gets to know every detail of a person when that person lives with someone for a long time. Family members hurt each other because they are very close. A family is in some ways a paradox.

This book shows the fearful truth of a family, and all of its “pitfalls of love,” through many funny and painfully realistic examples. It shows how a family full of love can be whipped into a rage with just one word.

When asked what the biggest grievance in marriage is, most men say that their wives nag too much. Women, however, deny this. Why?

“Sometimes I just ignore my wife when she talks to me. I just don’t get what she is trying to say. We were watching TV together the other day, and she suddenly asks me what job would be appropriate for her baby brother. What advice does she expect me to offer to a brother-in-law who is over 40 years old?” said a taxi driver in his 50s.

Women want to talk even while watching television. This means to some that she feels something is lacking from her husband, who is watching TV without saying anything. You don’t have to become serious because your wife brings up a serious topic. Sharing each other’s ideas and thoughts is enough.

Do not, however, frown at your wife for gossiping about your neighbor next door. She merely wants to talk with you. Saying, “Then, don’t see her again,” is not a wise response.

The author is a poet and a linguistics professor at Georgetown University in Washington D.C.. He continuously emphasizes, “There is hope in conversation!”

However, conversation skills are needed because conversations can lead to misunderstandings. We need to acquire conversation skills. A meaningless or a thoughtless word can hurt others. We never know where a conversation can take us once it gets out of control.

In family matters, don’t just find love, however. We also find landmines galore. Therefore, one should keep the words of the Spanish philosopher, Jose Ortega Gasset, who said, “All words are deficient. One cannot say all that they intend. All words are excessive. One ends up saying more than they intended,” in mind.

Gi-U Lee keywoo@donga.com