[理知논술]영어 논술 클리닉

■ 논제

“Businesses should hire employees for their entire lives.” Do you agree or disagree? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

(“회사는 직원을 평생 고용하여야 한다.” 이 말에 동의하는지 동의하지 않는지 구체적인 이유와 예를 들어 300단어 내외의 글을 써 주세요.)

■ 학생글

이윤주 서울 언주중 3학년

There are many advantages and disadvantages <1>to offer employees job security for life. In Japan, for example, prospective employees know that their employers will provide them with job security for their entire working days and they are better able to plan for their future and family. However, <2>many businesses are now realizing that their employees have less motivation to work <3>and this <4>leads to less profit for the company. <5>I will describe the advantages and disadvantages of this system in this essay and I will show that <6>ultimately “jobs for life” is not good for any society.

Job security is very important for <7>both the employee and the employer. <8>For the employee, <9>job security is important, because she <10>can depend on her source of income and <11>better plan for the future. <12> For an the employer, <13> an employee represents an investment.<14> <15>As we all know, feeling secure about where our future income will come from is very important for anybody who lost a job and has trouble finding a new one knows that this transition period can cause a lot of anxiety.

However, <16>job security usually leads to decreased productivity. In general, employees who are certain that they will never lose their jobs tend to work less efficiently, <17>thereby contributing to an overall redction of productivity in company. <18>A common example which happens in all over the world is that of civil servants. In Thailand, <19>for example, many government workers are so indolent that it can take days or months for something to be finished that should only take a few days. <20>It is not uncommon to walk into a Thai government office and see employees filing their nails, making personal calls on the telephone, taking three-hour lunches, or surfing the Internet for fun.

Finally,<21> <22>the model of capitalism is proving to be the modest efficient model that we have right now. <23>This model of job security completely contradicts the foundations of capitalism<24>. <25>We can see in the United States <26> people <27>are starting to change jobs, more often<28>. In fact, some career consultants even recommend that employees find new jobs every three to five years. Even in countries that still offer job security for life, this model os showing sings of dying out.

<29>In short, I disagree that companies should offer their employees jobs for life. We can find this example in some parts of the world and in other areas in the United States, but these examples are even thought it may seem cruel, the so-called ‘law of the jungle’ <30>are proving to be the most effective way to raise the standard of living of a country.

■ 첨삭글

#	Content
1	to offer employees → in
2	many businesses → many Japanese businesses
3	삭제 → if guaranteed employment for life 삽입
4	삭제 → which translates in to 삽입
5	삭제
6	ultimately → Ultimately, I believe
7	삭제
8	삭제
9	삭제
10	삭제
11	it allows that person to 삽입
12	Unemployment is without doubt the greatest cause of anxiety among workers. 삽입
13	on the other hand 삽입
14	that it is in the company＇s best interest to preserve as long as possible 삽입
15	삭제
16	life long 삽입
17	삭제
18	삭제 → as often 삽입
19	삭제
20	it 삭제 → thus 삽입
21	the idea of guaranteed life long employment violates one of the most basic tenets of 삽입
22	삭제
23	삭제
24	: a competitive job market 삽입
25	We can see 삭제 → I in 삽입
26	the ultimate example of a capitalist society 삽입
27	삭제
28	to keep abreast of a constantly changing job market 삽입
29	삭제 → In brief, no matter how heartless it may seem, the 삽입
30	삭제 → or survival off the fittest in a competitive job market has proven 삽입

■ 총평

좋은 에세이란 ‘양보다 질’…반복 표현-장황한 설명 삼가야

Your essay shows a good level of command of written English. Because of it, it is inexcusable that you overlooked several misspellings and/or typos. Errors of this nature denote a lack of interest or simple carelessness on the part of the writer. Be careful not to do this in the future.

I always say that a good essay depends on the quality of the writing rather than the quantity. In this regard, I would advise you to reread your essays to check for repetitions and wordiness. Both of these common errors make an essay less interesting to read and effect both the flow of ideas and the development of the arguments you present.

I believe that once you have finished writing an essay, you should ask someone to read it aloud to you. As you listen to your own words you will be able to appreciate just how well you have presented, developed, and supported your arguments.

이윤주 학생의 에세이는 뛰어난 영어 구사력을 보여 주고 있습니다. 이런 이유에서라도 이윤주 학생이 철자의 오류 등을 간과했다는 사실을 짚어 볼 필요가 있습니다. 이런 유형의 실수는 글쓴이가 단순히 부주의했거나 사소한 실수에 관심을 기울이지 않았다는 것을 의미하기 때문이죠. 앞으로는 이와 같은 실수를 범하지 않도록 주의하세요.

저는 항상 학생들에게 좋은 에세이란 양보다는 질이라고 충고합니다. 이런 점에서 이윤주 학생은 다시 한번 본인이 쓴 에세이를 읽어 보고 필요 없이 반복된 표현이나 어구가 사용되지는 않았는지 살펴보았으면 합니다. 이와 같은 실수는 에세이의 재미를 반감시키며 이야기의 흐름을 저해하고 논지를 약화시킵니다.

다음부터는 에세이 작성을 마치고 주위 사람들에게 소리 내어 읽어 달라고 부탁해 보세요. 글자가 아닌 소리로 자신이 쓴 에세이를 듣다 보면 자신의 주장이 얼마나 효과적으로 전달되었는지, 이야기가 얼마나 조직적으로 전개되었는지를 평가해 볼 수 있습니다.

파트리쇼 페레스 cybersli.com 책임연구원

◎ 써서 보내요

“A zoo has no useful purpose.” Do you agree or disagree? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your answer.

(“동물원은 아무 쓸모가 없다.” 이 말에 동의하는지 동의하지 않는지 구체적인 이유와 예를 들어 설명하는 글을 300단어 안팎으로 써 주세요.)